[ Clara's been looking for the Doctor, looking because she hasn't been able to find him. Granted, she hadn't looked very hard the first day, but now she's searching for him in earnest because it isn't like him to not check in on her like a mother hen. An over worried, overly fussy mother hen.
She never does find him. Instead, she finds his pocket watch lying down in the grass face up as if placed there, and she stares at it stupidly before picking it up, turning it over in her hand. She knows then, that he's gone, and so she goes back to the cave she's been sharing with Red and holds up the watch. ]
He's gone, Red.
[ Clara doesn't elaborate because there's no other he she'd be talking about. She thought he'd be there longer, she thought she'd get to tell him about this small piece of happiness she's found with Red, but she waited too long. ]
omg no ;o; i want all the threads with these two esp this one ๐ญ
( ooc: also sorry for the delay, i have been sick lately ;; )
( Red does not react at first. The words exist in the air between them, but they do not settle in her heart. They do not strike her - not really. They rattle around inside of her ribcage somewhere, and they do not- She doesn't process it even though it wasn't long ago she talked to the Doctor about being older than time, about understanding that there are certain inevitabilities.
And it's okay that no one can change them.
It's okay, and it's not on anyone to shoulder or to hold or to-
Even with that mature conversation she has recently had, she's not able to process this as quick as she should. ) What? But that's not- ( possible? no. right? no. fair? no. it's none of those things. that's not how the world works, and she knows it. Her eyes burn, because all at once the realization comes with the knowing. He's gone. He's dead. Even if another version of him shows up, he won't remember her, and what a stupid thing to get so angry about but it carves raw into her throat. She remains seated where she'd been before she pushes herself up slow, steps closer to Clara and sees the reality of it in her expression. )
Oh. ( a breath out like being hit in the gut. ) He's gone.
[ It's Red's reaction that pushes Clara over the edge to tears; she's done pretty well so far, but she can't hide, here. He's really gone, not just gone. He's stardust, that version of him, and all she can do is nod. The tears fall silently as she reaches out for Red with one hand and shows her the pocket watch in the other. ]
This was his. And my messages to him are just...
[ She shrugs. They won't send, that's what happens, she's been told. ]
( Red's expression crumples briefly especially when she sees Clara's tears, and her next breath is shaky even as she nods in answer to the pocket watch. Words are failing her. Isn't there those stages of grief? Anger then bargaining then all the rest...
There's just a hollow acceptance instead of all those other steps. There's just this knowing even if part of her wants to rail against it, tear something apart.
She steps forward and wraps both of her arms around Clara to pull her in close. Screw their home for taking them away. Screw it to fucking hell, she thinks, but doesn't say. Words aren't coming, and words won't change anything. )
[ The Doctor cared about Red so much, and Clara wants to make sure she knows it. But for now, her hold is tight and as comforting as she can make it, while taking that same comfort. She can't imagine how what this would be like to process without her there.
When she manages to finally pull back, it's only to drop her lips to the top of Red's shoulder softly, breathing her in. ]
( Red doesn't know why there's that burst of fire in her chest, of that anger-stage still wanting to rail against it. He was always very good at showing it so she knows that's true, and she loves Clara finds it's important to point that out even in the middle of all her own pain and grief.
She lifts her hand, cradling the side of Clara's hair, slipping fingers through the dark strands of her hair. )
He really loved you. ( It's whispered against the top of her head in some cracked, pained voice. ) And I'm so sorry you have to lose him again. ( She's already lost so much. It's not fair, resounding through her - her fingertips dig into Clara's side with a protectiveness like she can possibly stop any further loss from occurring. She can't. )
[ Clara's holding on just as tightly in return, like maybe she'll blink and this time she'll be alone. Except for good this time, and she doesn't know if she can do that in a place like this. ]
You can't go, too.
[ It's selfish to say, she knows it. Neither of them controls that, and here she is, desperate for a lie because she doesn't want the truth. ]
Please just stay with me. Okay?
[ Her tears might be soaking through to Red's shoulder, but her voice is still calm. ]
( They both know this is not a promise that Red can actually make. She has no power - ever since she escaped Hades, escaped the Underworld, she's experienced making choices for the first time over her own existence. She sure as hell cannot change this world, prevent it from opening up and swallowing either of them away.
Something lodges in her throat as she lifts her hand up to gently cup the side of Clara's face, urging her to look up at her, to look her in the eyes.
And she says it, she lies, she gives a promise she cannot guarantee, and hopes like hell that nothing makes her have to break it. )
Okay. ( Her fingers brush the wetness from Clara's face. She brushes a kiss to each cheek then the corners of her mouth then at her lips as if her physicality might seal this all. )
I won't go anywhere. I'm right here. I'm with you.
[ Clara's eyes are deep, brown pools as she focuses on Red's touch, on her kisses and her words. And then she promises, and she has to kiss her again, still clinging. It isn't the same as their kisses from before, this one is desperate and urgent, probably too sad to push things.
Right now, she doesn't care. Right now, she wants comfort, and to feel safe, and she wants to give comfort, even if she's not sure how in hell she could ever make Red feel safe. Her hands move so that she can bury them in those red curls she loves so much; she plans to stay right here as long as she can and shut out the rest. ]
( Red keeps a tight hold of her through all of that pain, all of the desperation and sadness. She'll keep whispering quiet things about how she's right here, how she won't go anywhere at all, how she's making a promsie and she'll damn well keep it.
They won't go anywhere - hell, maybe not for days. They've earned the break, and they can carry this grief together. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A few days after arriving in Unkharil (not to bombard you ๐ญ this can be short if needed!))
She never does find him. Instead, she finds his pocket watch lying down in the grass face up as if placed there, and she stares at it stupidly before picking it up, turning it over in her hand. She knows then, that he's gone, and so she goes back to the cave she's been sharing with Red and holds up the watch. ]
He's gone, Red.
[ Clara doesn't elaborate because there's no other he she'd be talking about. She thought he'd be there longer, she thought she'd get to tell him about this small piece of happiness she's found with Red, but she waited too long. ]
omg no ;o; i want all the threads with these two esp this one ๐ญ
( Red does not react at first. The words exist in the air between them, but they do not settle in her heart. They do not strike her - not really. They rattle around inside of her ribcage somewhere, and they do not- She doesn't process it even though it wasn't long ago she talked to the Doctor about being older than time, about understanding that there are certain inevitabilities.
And it's okay that no one can change them.
It's okay, and it's not on anyone to shoulder or to hold or to-
Even with that mature conversation she has recently had, she's not able to process this as quick as she should. ) What? But that's not- ( possible? no. right? no. fair? no. it's none of those things. that's not how the world works, and she knows it. Her eyes burn, because all at once the realization comes with the knowing. He's gone. He's dead. Even if another version of him shows up, he won't remember her, and what a stupid thing to get so angry about but it carves raw into her throat. She remains seated where she'd been before she pushes herself up slow, steps closer to Clara and sees the reality of it in her expression. )
Oh. ( a breath out like being hit in the gut. ) He's gone.
oh no, i really hope you feel better soon โค๏ธ
This was his. And my messages to him are just...
[ She shrugs. They won't send, that's what happens, she's been told. ]
I guess we both went home.
i do!! thank you ;o;
There's just a hollow acceptance instead of all those other steps. There's just this knowing even if part of her wants to rail against it, tear something apart.
She steps forward and wraps both of her arms around Clara to pull her in close. Screw their home for taking them away. Screw it to fucking hell, she thinks, but doesn't say. Words aren't coming, and words won't change anything. )
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When she manages to finally pull back, it's only to drop her lips to the top of Red's shoulder softly, breathing her in. ]
He really loved you, Red. He was proud of you.
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She lifts her hand, cradling the side of Clara's hair, slipping fingers through the dark strands of her hair. )
He really loved you. ( It's whispered against the top of her head in some cracked, pained voice. ) And I'm so sorry you have to lose him again. ( She's already lost so much. It's not fair, resounding through her - her fingertips dig into Clara's side with a protectiveness like she can possibly stop any further loss from occurring. She can't. )
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You can't go, too.
[ It's selfish to say, she knows it. Neither of them controls that, and here she is, desperate for a lie because she doesn't want the truth. ]
Please just stay with me. Okay?
[ Her tears might be soaking through to Red's shoulder, but her voice is still calm. ]
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Something lodges in her throat as she lifts her hand up to gently cup the side of Clara's face, urging her to look up at her, to look her in the eyes.
And she says it, she lies, she gives a promise she cannot guarantee, and hopes like hell that nothing makes her have to break it. )
Okay. ( Her fingers brush the wetness from Clara's face. She brushes a kiss to each cheek then the corners of her mouth then at her lips as if her physicality might seal this all. )
I won't go anywhere. I'm right here. I'm with you.
no subject
Right now, she doesn't care. Right now, she wants comfort, and to feel safe, and she wants to give comfort, even if she's not sure how in hell she could ever make Red feel safe. Her hands move so that she can bury them in those red curls she loves so much; she plans to stay right here as long as she can and shut out the rest. ]
no subject
They won't go anywhere - hell, maybe not for days. They've earned the break, and they can carry this grief together. )