[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
( Red leans back with her drink, lifting her eyebrow then as she nods, remembering - kinda. It's fuzzy with all the other memories crowding in. )
Yeah, I remember that guy. He was pretty attractive so good for you. Glad you had a thing with him while he was here - brief as it was. Seems like the story of things in this world.
( It's not really meant to last. She takes a drink from her glass. )
Gods, yeah, it's hard to keep track when you go home for a long time, but that means I should be up to nearly a year myself. Shit.
forgive me if they already talked about this!! I really should track threads
[ Even if Sabine hadn't been hers in the end, her death was the second biggest blow of Clara's life, too soon after the first. She'd loved her, they'd still loved one another, but in the end, it wasn't Clara that Sabine was in love with. In the sense that Sabine's death was sudden and violent, Clara thought she'd be safe with an immortal alien, but then he'd (technically) died too. ]
I think it still counts even if you went home because for us, it wasn't really that long. [ There's a brief pause where she hesitates, wets her lips, and continues on. ] I'm guessing you didn't remember any of this, did you?
[ She hadn't really wanted to ask but the alcohol has helped her reach the fuck it stage, and she asks anyway. ]
( Red's smile is sad but understanding at Clara's not just this world. Nothing is ever really guaranteed - not even in life so that's very true. Loss can happen anywhere. Death's around any corner when you're alive.
...not to be depressing. ) Yeah, like a few minutes. Really disorienting. ( She releases a breath. Something clenches in her chest, emotion lodged in her throat, and she shakes her head in answer to the question. )
Not any of it. Like it never even happened. I think that was the hardest part about all of it - not remembering. Not anybody from our group, not the Doctor, not you, just poof. Gone. ( And it'll happen again. The Merchant thinks they all need to go to- to save this world. )
[ Clara's chest tightens and she finishes the rest of what was in her glass before concentrating very hard to pour herself more, topping off Red. ]
That figures.
[ She's hardly ever negative, but the conversation with Wangji, getting choked out by a tree, and now this, all have her pouting a little more than usual. ]
This is why I wasn't supposed to let any feelings get involved with knowing anyone, period. It already hurts, Red. I don't wanna forget you, you're one of the best people that's ever happened to me.
( Red frowns then, because she has no way to - nothing to reassure with. She stares into the liquid in her cup and then takes a sip from it. It burns. She feels it all over. It feels good. )
One of the best people that's ever happened to you, huh? ( She lifts her gaze, toasting in Clara's direction - emotion caught in her throat, in her eyes. A smile there too, because that is beautiful, and she can't think of many people who would ever say such a thing about her. Their bodies are pressed close against the couch with drinks in their hands, feelings in their heart- )
I feel the same way about you, y'know? And Clara, you're- I can't imagine you not letting any of your feelings get involved with other people. You've got a strong heart, a brave heart, and that means- that means you feel for the people around you. Even when it hurts you, and I know it does.
[ She didn't meant for this to happen, to be drunk and near tears. Clara was supposed to be drunk and making stupid crafts. But instead, she hurts in different ways and in different places, and Red's saying things that mean everything; they shouldn't, or she shouldn't let them mean anything at all, because she'll go away too.
Swallowing hard, Clara holds Red's gaze letting her words hang there for a few seconds. ]
When do we get our piece of happiness, Red?
[ It isn't a question she can know the answer to, maybe that makes it an unfair ask, but it's out there, now. ]
( There's a soft smile at that even through the ache. She doesn't like to see Clara cry, but it's better to get it all out than hold it all in, than to be consumed by those powerful and painful feelings. Her throat locks, and she squeezes Clara's hand abruptly. )
Think that's what it's all about, isn't it? ( She lifts her glass again, tipping it toward Clara. )
Taking pieces whenever and wherever you can. I existed endlessly and nothing really meant shit then. It's the brevity of living that makes those moments, those pieces worth everything. They're not worth less because they don't last forever. They're worth more because of that.
You take those pieces in spite of knowing it'll hurt like hell later. ( And she's had plenty of pieces of happiness through the time she spent living in the world, she wouldn't trade that for another hundred years in the Underworld where nothing ever changed or moved or grew. )
[ Red's words sink in and hit home, reminding her that if things were different, she'd be the one hurting the Doctor one day, too mortal to give him a forever. With a deep breath, Clara lets it out shakily, wiping underneath her eyes with one thumb. ]
No more of this shit, I didn't ask you over to cry. I'm drunk, I want cupcakes, and I wanna be with you—not crying. Something else, what else?
[ Reaching out, she takes a cupcake and swipes off the frosting because maybe...maybe the cupcakes were an excuse to eat that. Licking it off her finger, she definitely does not seem to care. ]
Do you even like cupcakes? I didn't ask. Do you want ham? That's back in there.
[ She flaps her hand behind her, back toward the kitchen. She's determined not to backslide all the way into this mess of feelings for the Doctor. Maybe she can do that with Red's help. ]
( Red's gaze drags over Clara's face as she wipes her tears away, and her expression shows she doesn't mind the tears - not in the slightest. Emotions are valid, and she's glad she feels safe enough to share them with her.
Then her gaze drops to Clara's finger, to the frosting, to the way she licks it off her finger, drawing attention to her mouth. There is a tiny smirk that tugs across her face. )
...something else, huh?
Haven't had many cupcakes in my life so jury's out. ( She indicates the cupcake in Clara's hand. ) Can I?
[ Clara's eyes widen, tears forgotten at the thought of Red not having had plenty of good cupcakes. And honestly, she hasn't lived until she's had Clara's cupcakes with the fresh frosting. ]
This is a wrong that has to righted. Now. You more than can. You really need to, honestly.
[ She could just pass over the cupcake, but instead, she breaks off a piece and holds it out for Red, meeting her gaze with a smile that finishes erasing the melancholy. ]
Just in case you hate it, you don't waste my amazing baking efforts.
( Red leans over to take a bite of the offered cupcake - her mouth brushing against the fingers Clara holds the cupcake with before she tastes it. )
Holy shit. That's delicious.
( Her gaze lifts from the cupcake before it lands on Clara's mouth, and she leans in toward her with the understanding that Clara is very drunk so she plans to keep things a bit tame, but also she'd like to kiss her at least if she'd like that.
Just cause she's beautiful, and they relate, and they only really have now- this moment. )
[ First, she's grinning because Red likes her cupcakes; when she cooks or bakes, she really does put love into it. Even when she mass produces.
If forced to tell the truth, Clara would admit that back when the two of them were rowing to the abandoned home, the thought (the want) crossed her mind. But everything she just said, about being afraid, the risks, it all stopped her. She'd never been this afraid when she kissed Cassian, but right now, in this moment, she's terrified. She cares as deeply for Red as she can feel for anyone, no more walls, nothing kept hidden away. Drunk or not, her heart makes the decision for her like it always does and always will, no matter what she tries to say to the contrary.
She keeps the kiss tame too, and it's enough to make some of the tension of her night in the woods finally recede. Still, she does what she's wanted since she first time saw Red's big, wonderful hair. One hand reaches out, and she carefully pushes her hand into it, letting it get lost in a sea of red. She knows how to navigate wild curls, Sabine's hair was insanity, and so Clara's careful. Just for a second, she breaks the kiss to make sure it's still okay, then kisses Red again, just as gently.
Red is right; maybe Clara's heart will break again, but it's better than never letting herself have anything. ]
( Once Red sees Clara is receptive, she deepens the kiss against her mouth. Her hand lifts to cup the side of her face, and she tilts her head to the side to kiss her harder, further. She smiles against her mouth, warm and right and there. She doesn't want to kiss her too much while Clara's still drunk and might regret it when Clara's sober, but she feels so good and wonderful.
She breathes her in, leaning into her touch into her hair. When she pulls back, she smiles. It's more than okay. It's what she wanted to, and she's there to meet her again. Her own hand lifts to frame the side of her face as she kisses her that second time so gently. )
Hi. This is a very good something.
( And she covers her mouth with her own again pressing her back on to the couch. )
[ A bubble of laughter escapes against Red's mouth, even as Clara's pushed back. She was crying not even five minutes ago, but it doesn't have to be that way. If nothing else, this is a reminder that it's okay to feel deeply, to love hard while she can, because she isn't herself if she's not. ]
Hi. I agree. This is a very good something that I—
[ Clara's pulled back just enough to be able to look at Red before continuing. ]
Fuck it, I wanted to do this back on the boat. You make me laugh, you see me, and that last part, that scared the shit out of me, but I don't...I can't be afraid anymore, Red.
( Red pulls back, meets her gaze, and then smiles at what she says, lifting an eyebrow, seeming very pleased by this revelation. She brushes some of the hair from Clara's face, fingertips linger against her cheekbone. )
Since the boat, huh?
It's still probably gonna be scary as shit, y'know? ( Nothing is guaranteed but that's true everywhere. ) But you don't have to let that keep you from what you want, no. Shouldn't hide that heart of yours.
[ Clara's quiet, letting Red's words linger while pressing her cheek just a little into the soft touch. ]
I know what could happen, but I wanna be happy. And you make me happy, Red. Just seeing your face tonight made me happy in a way I haven't felt in a really long time.
[ Maybe one day Red will leave again, but then, maybe Clara will. But maybe for now, they can be brave together. ]
( That makes Red's smile warm due to the wonderful simplicity of it. She's not used to being that kind of person for someone else. She'd isolated for awhile, always on the run. )
Happiness it is then. ( They can both choose that. Hell knows Clara derves that - to be happy. ) Cupcakes and kisses then.
( Seems like a beautiful way to spend the evening along with making sure neither of them get so drunk they wind up with any type of hangover. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
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Yeah, I remember that guy. He was pretty attractive so good for you. Glad you had a thing with him while he was here - brief as it was. Seems like the story of things in this world.
( It's not really meant to last. She takes a drink from her glass. )
Gods, yeah, it's hard to keep track when you go home for a long time, but that means I should be up to nearly a year myself. Shit.
forgive me if they already talked about this!! I really should track threads
[ Even if Sabine hadn't been hers in the end, her death was the second biggest blow of Clara's life, too soon after the first. She'd loved her, they'd still loved one another, but in the end, it wasn't Clara that Sabine was in love with. In the sense that Sabine's death was sudden and violent, Clara thought she'd be safe with an immortal alien, but then he'd (technically) died too. ]
I think it still counts even if you went home because for us, it wasn't really that long. [ There's a brief pause where she hesitates, wets her lips, and continues on. ] I'm guessing you didn't remember any of this, did you?
[ She hadn't really wanted to ask but the alcohol has helped her reach the fuck it stage, and she asks anyway. ]
they have not!! ;o;
...not to be depressing. ) Yeah, like a few minutes. Really disorienting. ( She releases a breath. Something clenches in her chest, emotion lodged in her throat, and she shakes her head in answer to the question. )
Not any of it. Like it never even happened. I think that was the hardest part about all of it - not remembering. Not anybody from our group, not the Doctor, not you, just poof. Gone. ( And it'll happen again. The Merchant thinks they all need to go to- to save this world. )
no subject
That figures.
[ She's hardly ever negative, but the conversation with Wangji, getting choked out by a tree, and now this, all have her pouting a little more than usual. ]
This is why I wasn't supposed to let any feelings get involved with knowing anyone, period. It already hurts, Red. I don't wanna forget you, you're one of the best people that's ever happened to me.
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One of the best people that's ever happened to you, huh? ( She lifts her gaze, toasting in Clara's direction - emotion caught in her throat, in her eyes. A smile there too, because that is beautiful, and she can't think of many people who would ever say such a thing about her. Their bodies are pressed close against the couch with drinks in their hands, feelings in their heart- )
I feel the same way about you, y'know? And Clara, you're- I can't imagine you not letting any of your feelings get involved with other people. You've got a strong heart, a brave heart, and that means- that means you feel for the people around you. Even when it hurts you, and I know it does.
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Swallowing hard, Clara holds Red's gaze letting her words hang there for a few seconds. ]
When do we get our piece of happiness, Red?
[ It isn't a question she can know the answer to, maybe that makes it an unfair ask, but it's out there, now. ]
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Think that's what it's all about, isn't it? ( She lifts her glass again, tipping it toward Clara. )
Taking pieces whenever and wherever you can. I existed endlessly and nothing really meant shit then. It's the brevity of living that makes those moments, those pieces worth everything. They're not worth less because they don't last forever. They're worth more because of that.
You take those pieces in spite of knowing it'll hurt like hell later. ( And she's had plenty of pieces of happiness through the time she spent living in the world, she wouldn't trade that for another hundred years in the Underworld where nothing ever changed or moved or grew. )
no subject
No more of this shit, I didn't ask you over to cry. I'm drunk, I want cupcakes, and I wanna be with you—not crying. Something else, what else?
[ Reaching out, she takes a cupcake and swipes off the frosting because maybe...maybe the cupcakes were an excuse to eat that. Licking it off her finger, she definitely does not seem to care. ]
Do you even like cupcakes? I didn't ask. Do you want ham? That's back in there.
[ She flaps her hand behind her, back toward the kitchen. She's determined not to backslide all the way into this mess of feelings for the Doctor. Maybe she can do that with Red's help. ]
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Then her gaze drops to Clara's finger, to the frosting, to the way she licks it off her finger, drawing attention to her mouth. There is a tiny smirk that tugs across her face. )
...something else, huh?
Haven't had many cupcakes in my life so jury's out. ( She indicates the cupcake in Clara's hand. ) Can I?
๐
This is a wrong that has to righted. Now. You more than can. You really need to, honestly.
[ She could just pass over the cupcake, but instead, she breaks off a piece and holds it out for Red, meeting her gaze with a smile that finishes erasing the melancholy. ]
Just in case you hate it, you don't waste my amazing baking efforts.
๐๐
Holy shit. That's delicious.
( Her gaze lifts from the cupcake before it lands on Clara's mouth, and she leans in toward her with the understanding that Clara is very drunk so she plans to keep things a bit tame, but also she'd like to kiss her at least if she'd like that.
Just cause she's beautiful, and they relate, and they only really have now- this moment. )
no subject
If forced to tell the truth, Clara would admit that back when the two of them were rowing to the abandoned home, the thought (the want) crossed her mind. But everything she just said, about being afraid, the risks, it all stopped her. She'd never been this afraid when she kissed Cassian, but right now, in this moment, she's terrified. She cares as deeply for Red as she can feel for anyone, no more walls, nothing kept hidden away. Drunk or not, her heart makes the decision for her like it always does and always will, no matter what she tries to say to the contrary.
She keeps the kiss tame too, and it's enough to make some of the tension of her night in the woods finally recede. Still, she does what she's wanted since she first time saw Red's big, wonderful hair. One hand reaches out, and she carefully pushes her hand into it, letting it get lost in a sea of red. She knows how to navigate wild curls, Sabine's hair was insanity, and so Clara's careful. Just for a second, she breaks the kiss to make sure it's still okay, then kisses Red again, just as gently.
Red is right; maybe Clara's heart will break again, but it's better than never letting herself have anything. ]
no subject
She breathes her in, leaning into her touch into her hair. When she pulls back, she smiles. It's more than okay. It's what she wanted to, and she's there to meet her again. Her own hand lifts to frame the side of her face as she kisses her that second time so gently. )
Hi. This is a very good something.
( And she covers her mouth with her own again pressing her back on to the couch. )
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Hi. I agree. This is a very good something that I—
[ Clara's pulled back just enough to be able to look at Red before continuing. ]
Fuck it, I wanted to do this back on the boat. You make me laugh, you see me, and that last part, that scared the shit out of me, but I don't...I can't be afraid anymore, Red.
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Since the boat, huh?
It's still probably gonna be scary as shit, y'know? ( Nothing is guaranteed but that's true everywhere. ) But you don't have to let that keep you from what you want, no. Shouldn't hide that heart of yours.
no subject
I know what could happen, but I wanna be happy. And you make me happy, Red. Just seeing your face tonight made me happy in a way I haven't felt in a really long time.
[ Maybe one day Red will leave again, but then, maybe Clara will. But maybe for now, they can be brave together. ]
no subject
Happiness it is then. ( They can both choose that. Hell knows Clara derves that - to be happy. ) Cupcakes and kisses then.
( Seems like a beautiful way to spend the evening along with making sure neither of them get so drunk they wind up with any type of hangover. )