[ Unable to help smiling, she doesn't look away from Red until she definitely bullshits about how great the coping is. ]
That's the frustrating truth. I feel like it never, ever stops. But then there are people here who make everything better and it's just enough.
[ She tips her glass toward Red in quiet acknowledgment. ]
This is better than how I've coped in the past, which was honestly a lot like you, except for the drugs part. I was always too afraid to do anything that wasn't smoking a joint.
People who make everything better? That's pretty fuckin' high praise, and right back at ya.
( Red tips her glass toward Clara's too, letting the rim of hers tap against Calra's, winking at her, and then she... frowns. ) So basically, we have something in common there. A joint is the best of the options. You weren't missing out. ( Some of the rest could really fuck a person up, but she's not exactly only a person which is why she thinks she managed okay. ) ...did you develop different coping skills by the time you went with the Doctor or were the adventures their own coping mechanisms?
[ Clara feels completely called out and opens her mouth, then closes it again. ]
I uh...turns out traveling with him is just a form of running away from things. By the time I met him, though, I made a pretty definite decision to stop letting my heart get involved in relationships. Which hasn't worked, but I tried.
[ She scoffs at herself, finishing that glass of gin and reaching for the bottle to pour herself more. ]
Still trying, I guess. But losing another person? I don't know if there are enough coping mechanisms for that.
( There's no judgement in Red's expression at all. She just listed out all her own awful coping mechanisms, and at least adventuring sounds fun and amazing and often results in saving people's lives and the world and all of that. )
...helluva time to make that decision before you meet someone you'd end up falling in love with, huh?
( Clara told her about her feelings for the Doctor the last time they talked, how she revealed it to him, how he doesn't feel the same, and Red hasn't forgotten (and can even relate far more now than she could then). She reaches a hand over, resting it against her arm when she says the rest - a pained smile. She hasn't forgotten about what Clara said about the Doctor either. How she loses him, how- Fuck. Grief is a hell of its own making. ) Everyone's gotta have their limits. You're strong as hell yourself, but hearing that's not gonna make it any better - you shouldn't have to be. ( shouldn't have to suffer so much )
[ Clara laughs, more of like a cackle, and she lets herself lean in to Red even as she hands over her device. It's open to a conversation, so she's definitely been going over it, re-reading it. ]
I've been alright, you know? I actually think maybe if someone showed up here who doesn't mind the fact that this is all very fucked up, it would be nice to have something, a connection with someone. But then this happened, and I feel like jumping into a black hole.
[ This is what she needed the alcohol for, and she both feels guilty about dragging Red into yet more of what feels like her own private drama, and relieved to know she's here. ]
( Red leans into Clara in turn as she looks over at the device to read the conversation, and ohhhhhh. She winces, drinks more from the glass, and yeah, that's - she doesn't blame Clara for feeling that way. )
That dude never pulls any fuckin' punches, huh? ( That is not said meanly at all. She likes the poetically speaking Lan Wangji. She glances from the conversation over to Clara. ) He is right though. You are a beautiful thing to be.
For someone who says so little, he really does cut right to the chase.
[ Clara likes Lan Wangji too, though, so there's no malice in her voice. Looking at Red, she doesn't know what to say now any more than she did to Wangji, so she doesn't say anything, content to be close to her. And everyone knows the way to take a compliment is to completely change the subject and talk about someone else.]
Do you think he's like...really verbose in private? I can almost imagine it, like he has to get all of his words out and by the time we see him, he's typical Wangji.
( Red will lift an eyebrow at the subject change, but she will not force the subject back either. Clara is beautiful though in so very many ways, and she deserves the world in Red's personal opinion. )
I don't know. I can kind of picture it too like maybe he doesn't talk so fancy all the time and maybe it's full on speeches. ( She'll pour some more alcohol into both of their glasses. Her gaze lifts to Clara. ) Feelings are complicated. You can feel like you're okay, ready to move on then something just slams right into you all over again. And you're back where your started.
A little. A lot. But more than that, it made me feel like I deserve someone who won't say fond of you too when I say I love them. And then I feel scared again, and it's easier to just not, Red. Hurting sucks, and my brain says it's better to just avoid it.
[ Lingering on Red, Clara tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it before gathering her thoughts again. ]
Have you ever felt like that? Or even wanted someone you knew you couldn't have, or shouldn't?
You do. You deserve that. You're beautiful, talented, strong, fun to be around. You're so many incredible things, and you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you, who can say those words back. ( But she gets the need to run, the desire to avoid it to avoid the ultimate hurt of it all, Red does, and she swallows through that feeling in the middle of her throat. )
...the first person I ever fell in love with. Grace. Shortly after I came into the living realm, met her at actual high school for the year I went. We were friends. She was running away. I needed to run away... so we ran away together, traveled across the country in her car, met up with other people along the way. She was my friend, and we became... uh, friends with benefits, but I also fell in love with her. She was the kind of person you- She was the kind of person everybody falls in love with, a goth girl with a sunshine personality, charismatic as hell, but she didn't really- she didn't really fall in love with other people. She was... breezy when it came to people. Her heart was in her ambition.
I knew that about her. I was okay with it, or thought I was. ( And then she was gone. )
[ Red keeps saying sheβs beautiful, the words about her keep coming, and Clara just isnβt sure what to do with them; not counting Lan Wangji, itβs been a while since thereβs been anyone around to say those things. She isnβt sure if itβs the alcohol or the words that are making her feel warm instead of undeserving.
But she listens as Red talks, and feels her heart twist. Itβs so close to what sheβs gone through, and her hand rests on Redβs in solidarity and comfort. ]
You deserve someone who just wants you, you know? Someone who sees you and wants to do all those things just to say they did them with you.
[ They both deserve it, but itβs so much easier to see from the other side. ]
I do. ( Red smiles at her, and there's warmth. There's believing of that much. There's wanting Clara to believe the same as she feels the weight and connection in her hand over hers. She never ended up in a relationship like that one again - someone she felt far more for than who felt for her, someone she was in love with and thought they could do no wrong. She prefers seeing the flaws in the people she likes, and she never saw any flaw in Grace at the time, but now she sees her more clearly - a person, as fallible as the next. ) That all happened a really long time ago for me. Time does help. I don't get pulled back into that place anymore.
( She still has grief in her heart for Grace, for who she was for her when she needed that more than anything, but she went on to live a different life, to make new connections some of the time. Even if none of those really lasted either.
Nothing really does, and she's learned to be okay with that too. )
[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
( Red leans back with her drink, lifting her eyebrow then as she nods, remembering - kinda. It's fuzzy with all the other memories crowding in. )
Yeah, I remember that guy. He was pretty attractive so good for you. Glad you had a thing with him while he was here - brief as it was. Seems like the story of things in this world.
( It's not really meant to last. She takes a drink from her glass. )
Gods, yeah, it's hard to keep track when you go home for a long time, but that means I should be up to nearly a year myself. Shit.
forgive me if they already talked about this!! I really should track threads
[ Even if Sabine hadn't been hers in the end, her death was the second biggest blow of Clara's life, too soon after the first. She'd loved her, they'd still loved one another, but in the end, it wasn't Clara that Sabine was in love with. In the sense that Sabine's death was sudden and violent, Clara thought she'd be safe with an immortal alien, but then he'd (technically) died too. ]
I think it still counts even if you went home because for us, it wasn't really that long. [ There's a brief pause where she hesitates, wets her lips, and continues on. ] I'm guessing you didn't remember any of this, did you?
[ She hadn't really wanted to ask but the alcohol has helped her reach the fuck it stage, and she asks anyway. ]
( Red's smile is sad but understanding at Clara's not just this world. Nothing is ever really guaranteed - not even in life so that's very true. Loss can happen anywhere. Death's around any corner when you're alive.
...not to be depressing. ) Yeah, like a few minutes. Really disorienting. ( She releases a breath. Something clenches in her chest, emotion lodged in her throat, and she shakes her head in answer to the question. )
Not any of it. Like it never even happened. I think that was the hardest part about all of it - not remembering. Not anybody from our group, not the Doctor, not you, just poof. Gone. ( And it'll happen again. The Merchant thinks they all need to go to- to save this world. )
[ Clara's chest tightens and she finishes the rest of what was in her glass before concentrating very hard to pour herself more, topping off Red. ]
That figures.
[ She's hardly ever negative, but the conversation with Wangji, getting choked out by a tree, and now this, all have her pouting a little more than usual. ]
This is why I wasn't supposed to let any feelings get involved with knowing anyone, period. It already hurts, Red. I don't wanna forget you, you're one of the best people that's ever happened to me.
( Red frowns then, because she has no way to - nothing to reassure with. She stares into the liquid in her cup and then takes a sip from it. It burns. She feels it all over. It feels good. )
One of the best people that's ever happened to you, huh? ( She lifts her gaze, toasting in Clara's direction - emotion caught in her throat, in her eyes. A smile there too, because that is beautiful, and she can't think of many people who would ever say such a thing about her. Their bodies are pressed close against the couch with drinks in their hands, feelings in their heart- )
I feel the same way about you, y'know? And Clara, you're- I can't imagine you not letting any of your feelings get involved with other people. You've got a strong heart, a brave heart, and that means- that means you feel for the people around you. Even when it hurts you, and I know it does.
[ She didn't meant for this to happen, to be drunk and near tears. Clara was supposed to be drunk and making stupid crafts. But instead, she hurts in different ways and in different places, and Red's saying things that mean everything; they shouldn't, or she shouldn't let them mean anything at all, because she'll go away too.
Swallowing hard, Clara holds Red's gaze letting her words hang there for a few seconds. ]
When do we get our piece of happiness, Red?
[ It isn't a question she can know the answer to, maybe that makes it an unfair ask, but it's out there, now. ]
( There's a soft smile at that even through the ache. She doesn't like to see Clara cry, but it's better to get it all out than hold it all in, than to be consumed by those powerful and painful feelings. Her throat locks, and she squeezes Clara's hand abruptly. )
Think that's what it's all about, isn't it? ( She lifts her glass again, tipping it toward Clara. )
Taking pieces whenever and wherever you can. I existed endlessly and nothing really meant shit then. It's the brevity of living that makes those moments, those pieces worth everything. They're not worth less because they don't last forever. They're worth more because of that.
You take those pieces in spite of knowing it'll hurt like hell later. ( And she's had plenty of pieces of happiness through the time she spent living in the world, she wouldn't trade that for another hundred years in the Underworld where nothing ever changed or moved or grew. )
[ Red's words sink in and hit home, reminding her that if things were different, she'd be the one hurting the Doctor one day, too mortal to give him a forever. With a deep breath, Clara lets it out shakily, wiping underneath her eyes with one thumb. ]
No more of this shit, I didn't ask you over to cry. I'm drunk, I want cupcakes, and I wanna be with you—not crying. Something else, what else?
[ Reaching out, she takes a cupcake and swipes off the frosting because maybe...maybe the cupcakes were an excuse to eat that. Licking it off her finger, she definitely does not seem to care. ]
Do you even like cupcakes? I didn't ask. Do you want ham? That's back in there.
[ She flaps her hand behind her, back toward the kitchen. She's determined not to backslide all the way into this mess of feelings for the Doctor. Maybe she can do that with Red's help. ]
( Red's gaze drags over Clara's face as she wipes her tears away, and her expression shows she doesn't mind the tears - not in the slightest. Emotions are valid, and she's glad she feels safe enough to share them with her.
Then her gaze drops to Clara's finger, to the frosting, to the way she licks it off her finger, drawing attention to her mouth. There is a tiny smirk that tugs across her face. )
...something else, huh?
Haven't had many cupcakes in my life so jury's out. ( She indicates the cupcake in Clara's hand. ) Can I?
[ Clara's eyes widen, tears forgotten at the thought of Red not having had plenty of good cupcakes. And honestly, she hasn't lived until she's had Clara's cupcakes with the fresh frosting. ]
This is a wrong that has to righted. Now. You more than can. You really need to, honestly.
[ She could just pass over the cupcake, but instead, she breaks off a piece and holds it out for Red, meeting her gaze with a smile that finishes erasing the melancholy. ]
Just in case you hate it, you don't waste my amazing baking efforts.
( Red leans over to take a bite of the offered cupcake - her mouth brushing against the fingers Clara holds the cupcake with before she tastes it. )
Holy shit. That's delicious.
( Her gaze lifts from the cupcake before it lands on Clara's mouth, and she leans in toward her with the understanding that Clara is very drunk so she plans to keep things a bit tame, but also she'd like to kiss her at least if she'd like that.
Just cause she's beautiful, and they relate, and they only really have now- this moment. )
[ First, she's grinning because Red likes her cupcakes; when she cooks or bakes, she really does put love into it. Even when she mass produces.
If forced to tell the truth, Clara would admit that back when the two of them were rowing to the abandoned home, the thought (the want) crossed her mind. But everything she just said, about being afraid, the risks, it all stopped her. She'd never been this afraid when she kissed Cassian, but right now, in this moment, she's terrified. She cares as deeply for Red as she can feel for anyone, no more walls, nothing kept hidden away. Drunk or not, her heart makes the decision for her like it always does and always will, no matter what she tries to say to the contrary.
She keeps the kiss tame too, and it's enough to make some of the tension of her night in the woods finally recede. Still, she does what she's wanted since she first time saw Red's big, wonderful hair. One hand reaches out, and she carefully pushes her hand into it, letting it get lost in a sea of red. She knows how to navigate wild curls, Sabine's hair was insanity, and so Clara's careful. Just for a second, she breaks the kiss to make sure it's still okay, then kisses Red again, just as gently.
Red is right; maybe Clara's heart will break again, but it's better than never letting herself have anything. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That's the frustrating truth. I feel like it never, ever stops. But then there are people here who make everything better and it's just enough.
[ She tips her glass toward Red in quiet acknowledgment. ]
This is better than how I've coped in the past, which was honestly a lot like you, except for the drugs part. I was always too afraid to do anything that wasn't smoking a joint.
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( Red tips her glass toward Clara's too, letting the rim of hers tap against Calra's, winking at her, and then she... frowns. ) So basically, we have something in common there. A joint is the best of the options. You weren't missing out. ( Some of the rest could really fuck a person up, but she's not exactly only a person which is why she thinks she managed okay. ) ...did you develop different coping skills by the time you went with the Doctor or were the adventures their own coping mechanisms?
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I uh...turns out traveling with him is just a form of running away from things. By the time I met him, though, I made a pretty definite decision to stop letting my heart get involved in relationships. Which hasn't worked, but I tried.
[ She scoffs at herself, finishing that glass of gin and reaching for the bottle to pour herself more. ]
Still trying, I guess. But losing another person? I don't know if there are enough coping mechanisms for that.
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...helluva time to make that decision before you meet someone you'd end up falling in love with, huh?
( Clara told her about her feelings for the Doctor the last time they talked, how she revealed it to him, how he doesn't feel the same, and Red hasn't forgotten (and can even relate far more now than she could then). She reaches a hand over, resting it against her arm when she says the rest - a pained smile. She hasn't forgotten about what Clara said about the Doctor either. How she loses him, how- Fuck. Grief is a hell of its own making. ) Everyone's gotta have their limits. You're strong as hell yourself, but hearing that's not gonna make it any better - you shouldn't have to be. ( shouldn't have to suffer so much )
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I've been alright, you know? I actually think maybe if someone showed up here who doesn't mind the fact that this is all very fucked up, it would be nice to have something, a connection with someone. But then this happened, and I feel like jumping into a black hole.
[ This is what she needed the alcohol for, and she both feels guilty about dragging Red into yet more of what feels like her own private drama, and relieved to know she's here. ]
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That dude never pulls any fuckin' punches, huh? ( That is not said meanly at all. She likes the poetically speaking Lan Wangji. She glances from the conversation over to Clara. ) He is right though. You are a beautiful thing to be.
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[ Clara likes Lan Wangji too, though, so there's no malice in her voice. Looking at Red, she doesn't know what to say now any more than she did to Wangji, so she doesn't say anything, content to be close to her. And everyone knows the way to take a compliment is to completely change the subject and talk about someone else.]
Do you think he's like...really verbose in private? I can almost imagine it, like he has to get all of his words out and by the time we see him, he's typical Wangji.
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I don't know. I can kind of picture it too like maybe he doesn't talk so fancy all the time and maybe it's full on speeches. ( She'll pour some more alcohol into both of their glasses. Her gaze lifts to Clara. ) Feelings are complicated. You can feel like you're okay, ready to move on then something just slams right into you all over again. And you're back where your started.
Is... that how that conversation made you feel?
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[ Lingering on Red, Clara tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it before gathering her thoughts again. ]
Have you ever felt like that? Or even wanted someone you knew you couldn't have, or shouldn't?
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...the first person I ever fell in love with. Grace. Shortly after I came into the living realm, met her at actual high school for the year I went. We were friends. She was running away. I needed to run away... so we ran away together, traveled across the country in her car, met up with other people along the way. She was my friend, and we became... uh, friends with benefits, but I also fell in love with her. She was the kind of person you- She was the kind of person everybody falls in love with, a goth girl with a sunshine personality, charismatic as hell, but she didn't really- she didn't really fall in love with other people. She was... breezy when it came to people. Her heart was in her ambition.
I knew that about her. I was okay with it, or thought I was. ( And then she was gone. )
Well that hurt /wheezes
But she listens as Red talks, and feels her heart twist. Itβs so close to what sheβs gone through, and her hand rests on Redβs in solidarity and comfort. ]
You deserve someone who just wants you, you know? Someone who sees you and wants to do all those things just to say they did them with you.
[ They both deserve it, but itβs so much easier to see from the other side. ]
everything's fine ;o;
( She still has grief in her heart for Grace, for who she was for her when she needed that more than anything, but she went on to live a different life, to make new connections some of the time. Even if none of those really lasted either.
Nothing really does, and she's learned to be okay with that too. )
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[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
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Yeah, I remember that guy. He was pretty attractive so good for you. Glad you had a thing with him while he was here - brief as it was. Seems like the story of things in this world.
( It's not really meant to last. She takes a drink from her glass. )
Gods, yeah, it's hard to keep track when you go home for a long time, but that means I should be up to nearly a year myself. Shit.
forgive me if they already talked about this!! I really should track threads
[ Even if Sabine hadn't been hers in the end, her death was the second biggest blow of Clara's life, too soon after the first. She'd loved her, they'd still loved one another, but in the end, it wasn't Clara that Sabine was in love with. In the sense that Sabine's death was sudden and violent, Clara thought she'd be safe with an immortal alien, but then he'd (technically) died too. ]
I think it still counts even if you went home because for us, it wasn't really that long. [ There's a brief pause where she hesitates, wets her lips, and continues on. ] I'm guessing you didn't remember any of this, did you?
[ She hadn't really wanted to ask but the alcohol has helped her reach the fuck it stage, and she asks anyway. ]
they have not!! ;o;
...not to be depressing. ) Yeah, like a few minutes. Really disorienting. ( She releases a breath. Something clenches in her chest, emotion lodged in her throat, and she shakes her head in answer to the question. )
Not any of it. Like it never even happened. I think that was the hardest part about all of it - not remembering. Not anybody from our group, not the Doctor, not you, just poof. Gone. ( And it'll happen again. The Merchant thinks they all need to go to- to save this world. )
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That figures.
[ She's hardly ever negative, but the conversation with Wangji, getting choked out by a tree, and now this, all have her pouting a little more than usual. ]
This is why I wasn't supposed to let any feelings get involved with knowing anyone, period. It already hurts, Red. I don't wanna forget you, you're one of the best people that's ever happened to me.
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One of the best people that's ever happened to you, huh? ( She lifts her gaze, toasting in Clara's direction - emotion caught in her throat, in her eyes. A smile there too, because that is beautiful, and she can't think of many people who would ever say such a thing about her. Their bodies are pressed close against the couch with drinks in their hands, feelings in their heart- )
I feel the same way about you, y'know? And Clara, you're- I can't imagine you not letting any of your feelings get involved with other people. You've got a strong heart, a brave heart, and that means- that means you feel for the people around you. Even when it hurts you, and I know it does.
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Swallowing hard, Clara holds Red's gaze letting her words hang there for a few seconds. ]
When do we get our piece of happiness, Red?
[ It isn't a question she can know the answer to, maybe that makes it an unfair ask, but it's out there, now. ]
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Think that's what it's all about, isn't it? ( She lifts her glass again, tipping it toward Clara. )
Taking pieces whenever and wherever you can. I existed endlessly and nothing really meant shit then. It's the brevity of living that makes those moments, those pieces worth everything. They're not worth less because they don't last forever. They're worth more because of that.
You take those pieces in spite of knowing it'll hurt like hell later. ( And she's had plenty of pieces of happiness through the time she spent living in the world, she wouldn't trade that for another hundred years in the Underworld where nothing ever changed or moved or grew. )
no subject
No more of this shit, I didn't ask you over to cry. I'm drunk, I want cupcakes, and I wanna be with you—not crying. Something else, what else?
[ Reaching out, she takes a cupcake and swipes off the frosting because maybe...maybe the cupcakes were an excuse to eat that. Licking it off her finger, she definitely does not seem to care. ]
Do you even like cupcakes? I didn't ask. Do you want ham? That's back in there.
[ She flaps her hand behind her, back toward the kitchen. She's determined not to backslide all the way into this mess of feelings for the Doctor. Maybe she can do that with Red's help. ]
no subject
Then her gaze drops to Clara's finger, to the frosting, to the way she licks it off her finger, drawing attention to her mouth. There is a tiny smirk that tugs across her face. )
...something else, huh?
Haven't had many cupcakes in my life so jury's out. ( She indicates the cupcake in Clara's hand. ) Can I?
π
This is a wrong that has to righted. Now. You more than can. You really need to, honestly.
[ She could just pass over the cupcake, but instead, she breaks off a piece and holds it out for Red, meeting her gaze with a smile that finishes erasing the melancholy. ]
Just in case you hate it, you don't waste my amazing baking efforts.
ππ
Holy shit. That's delicious.
( Her gaze lifts from the cupcake before it lands on Clara's mouth, and she leans in toward her with the understanding that Clara is very drunk so she plans to keep things a bit tame, but also she'd like to kiss her at least if she'd like that.
Just cause she's beautiful, and they relate, and they only really have now- this moment. )
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If forced to tell the truth, Clara would admit that back when the two of them were rowing to the abandoned home, the thought (the want) crossed her mind. But everything she just said, about being afraid, the risks, it all stopped her. She'd never been this afraid when she kissed Cassian, but right now, in this moment, she's terrified. She cares as deeply for Red as she can feel for anyone, no more walls, nothing kept hidden away. Drunk or not, her heart makes the decision for her like it always does and always will, no matter what she tries to say to the contrary.
She keeps the kiss tame too, and it's enough to make some of the tension of her night in the woods finally recede. Still, she does what she's wanted since she first time saw Red's big, wonderful hair. One hand reaches out, and she carefully pushes her hand into it, letting it get lost in a sea of red. She knows how to navigate wild curls, Sabine's hair was insanity, and so Clara's careful. Just for a second, she breaks the kiss to make sure it's still okay, then kisses Red again, just as gently.
Red is right; maybe Clara's heart will break again, but it's better than never letting herself have anything. ]
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