Amazing, right? Apparently, good gossip about the going ons of others gets me the best in gaudy jewelry but also a lot of food, for some reason? Different fruits, sweets, jams, cheeses, which is my personal favorite, and there's a ham in there for some reason. Like, a whole half of one. Am I a total shite if I say I'll miss this. Not the trees and time loops, but you know, this.
[ Clara gestures at the seaside villa, at the fact that there's a house at all with a roof, with a stocked fridge, and a wardrobe. ]
I have my own bed, and it's huge. A room with a balcony. I wanna enjoy it as much as I can before we're inevitably in a rainforest or something. I figured that meant enjoying it with someone I like. Not that my roommates aren't great, I just don't know them. We've all sort of done our own things.
I vote not shite at all. You got choked by a fuckin' tree, trying to save this village. You're allowed to be happy about the benefits. ...and thanks for making me be the person you like that gets to enjoy this with you, Clara, I feel very honored. ( And she tips her glass toward her with a smile before she takes a sip of the gin on its own.
Red understands on the roommate front because she doesn't really know her own very well either for the most part. They were all given individual lives here though so it makes sense they'd have to live it. She did manage to also bring along some tonic water to mix with the gin for the classic gin and tonic. She did some bartending in the real world so that's coming in handy at the moment. )
...so do you always bake this many cupcakes, or is this about the tree incident, or something else? ( Basically, are you okay? Beyond the bruises. )
You were the first person I thought of, just know that I'll always return the favor, okay? Always.
[ Watching the impromptu bartending, Clara debates explaining that it's definitely more than the trees. But if she talks about it, she can't stuff it away. Which means there's only one thing to be done. ]
I need to be significantly drunker to get into the rest. I mean, I'm fine, there's nothing else physically wrong with me. But messy feelings call for way more booze than this.
[ With that, she finishes what's in her glass and holds it out for more. At least it doesn't take a lot to get her over the line. ]
( That makes Red smile a bit wider than it should likely - that she might be the first person Clara would think about for something like this. She does understand the need for alcohol though for any kind of messy talk, and so her gaze lingers on Clara but she will lift up the bottle and refill it all again. )
Messy feelings are sometimes more painful and definitely more complicated than the physical sort.
This a place of drinking and uh, safety of expression.
( She tilts her glass in Clara's direction and then downs it herself before filling her glass again. )
[ Clara's grateful for this, for Red, for their friendship. Other than the Doctor, it isn't often that she lets anyone get close anymore, too afraid of losing them. But it's too late here, this was cemented long ago, back in Serthica. Tilting her cup back in Red's direction, Clara can't quite figure out how to reply that she does feel safe with her here.
So, she doesn't say anything at all, because enough gin hasn't entered into the equation to be that sappy. ]
Are you good at it? Compartmentalizing, I mean. Also, we can sit in the living room, unless you really did want that ocean-full-of-dead-people view. I wouldn't wanna disappoint.
I've seen more than enough dead to last several lifetimes.
( Red snorts laughter. She will pick up a cupcake along with her own cup, and then carry the bottles over toward the living room where they can find a cozy little spot to sit down at. She'll slide on to the cushion and take a sip from the cup in her hand. )
As for compartmentalizing, I've become quite talented at it, yeah. It was real fuckin' hard when I first came into life. I wasn't used to all the emotions that come with- well, being alive.
[ Clara's brought the plate, so there's no worry about running out of something to soak up the booze with, then cozies up perfectly into the nook of the arm on the couch. ]
I can't imagine what it must be like, to feel so much at once. Can I be nosy? How did you end up dealing with it?
[ She trusts Red enough to believe she'd stop her if she questioned too much, but there are some things that curious minds want to know, and she wants to know Red. ]
Oh, I very fucking much did not end up dealing with it.
I was a godsdamned mess. ( Red takes another drink from her glass as she leans back it became worse when she started caring for people, when she fell in love in a way that wasn't returned and then lost her too. ) Then it was a lot of booze and occasionally drugs and casual fucking and party nights and that whole mess. A lot of running both metaphorically and realistically. I didn't remember this world so I didn't have all the growth I got here.
Eventually I figured out how to compartmentalize without all the rest, and I'm a fuckin' master at it now, but it was a messy road getting there.
[ That sounds close to her spiral after Sabine died so close to Clara's mom dying, and she makes a soft sound in the back of her throat that's meant to say she understands the messy part, at least. ]
You made it, which says a lot more about you than just the ability to compartmentalize. Give yourself credit for being strong as fuck, you deserve it.
[ Taking a long drink, Clara savors the tingling feeling of the gin, ready for that feeling to extend to her limbs and make all the residual pain float away. ]
( Red leans further back against the cushions with a smile then that Clara should think she's strong despite all the shitty coping mechanisms she used - well they're probably not actual coping mechanisms if no coping happens, but. )
...well, thanks. I also threw myself into my work a lot which ultimately became my main way of dealing. Or not dealing. Along with less drinking. ( Her smile widens though at Clara's reaction. ) Only the best for the cupcake queen. But yeah, shouldn't take too long to feel it especially if you're a lightweight.
Less drinking you say? Never heard of it. At least not tonight. Tonight I sort of want to get drunk and chop down trees.
[ She used to be against deforestation, but that was before she tangoed with a tree. ]
As for actual dealing, I like to deny and ignore. Maybe I can't control anything else, but sometimes my coping is feeling in control of being able to box everything up into something smaller and put it away.
[ It won't take all that long for her to open up at this rate. ]
Is that healthy?
[ She gives Red a grin that fully indicates she knows that no, it is not healthy. ]
Luckily less drinking for me usually results in still getting incredibly fuckin' drunk. But we should probably be sober when we take revenge against the trees for you.
( Red smirks as she looks over at her, lingering, tilting her head to the side with amusement. )
Completely healthy, excellent coping skills.
( She's kidding, and she pffts. ) It doesn't really feel like anything ever slows down long enough for healthy coping anyway.
[ Unable to help smiling, she doesn't look away from Red until she definitely bullshits about how great the coping is. ]
That's the frustrating truth. I feel like it never, ever stops. But then there are people here who make everything better and it's just enough.
[ She tips her glass toward Red in quiet acknowledgment. ]
This is better than how I've coped in the past, which was honestly a lot like you, except for the drugs part. I was always too afraid to do anything that wasn't smoking a joint.
People who make everything better? That's pretty fuckin' high praise, and right back at ya.
( Red tips her glass toward Clara's too, letting the rim of hers tap against Calra's, winking at her, and then she... frowns. ) So basically, we have something in common there. A joint is the best of the options. You weren't missing out. ( Some of the rest could really fuck a person up, but she's not exactly only a person which is why she thinks she managed okay. ) ...did you develop different coping skills by the time you went with the Doctor or were the adventures their own coping mechanisms?
[ Clara feels completely called out and opens her mouth, then closes it again. ]
I uh...turns out traveling with him is just a form of running away from things. By the time I met him, though, I made a pretty definite decision to stop letting my heart get involved in relationships. Which hasn't worked, but I tried.
[ She scoffs at herself, finishing that glass of gin and reaching for the bottle to pour herself more. ]
Still trying, I guess. But losing another person? I don't know if there are enough coping mechanisms for that.
( There's no judgement in Red's expression at all. She just listed out all her own awful coping mechanisms, and at least adventuring sounds fun and amazing and often results in saving people's lives and the world and all of that. )
...helluva time to make that decision before you meet someone you'd end up falling in love with, huh?
( Clara told her about her feelings for the Doctor the last time they talked, how she revealed it to him, how he doesn't feel the same, and Red hasn't forgotten (and can even relate far more now than she could then). She reaches a hand over, resting it against her arm when she says the rest - a pained smile. She hasn't forgotten about what Clara said about the Doctor either. How she loses him, how- Fuck. Grief is a hell of its own making. ) Everyone's gotta have their limits. You're strong as hell yourself, but hearing that's not gonna make it any better - you shouldn't have to be. ( shouldn't have to suffer so much )
[ Clara laughs, more of like a cackle, and she lets herself lean in to Red even as she hands over her device. It's open to a conversation, so she's definitely been going over it, re-reading it. ]
I've been alright, you know? I actually think maybe if someone showed up here who doesn't mind the fact that this is all very fucked up, it would be nice to have something, a connection with someone. But then this happened, and I feel like jumping into a black hole.
[ This is what she needed the alcohol for, and she both feels guilty about dragging Red into yet more of what feels like her own private drama, and relieved to know she's here. ]
( Red leans into Clara in turn as she looks over at the device to read the conversation, and ohhhhhh. She winces, drinks more from the glass, and yeah, that's - she doesn't blame Clara for feeling that way. )
That dude never pulls any fuckin' punches, huh? ( That is not said meanly at all. She likes the poetically speaking Lan Wangji. She glances from the conversation over to Clara. ) He is right though. You are a beautiful thing to be.
For someone who says so little, he really does cut right to the chase.
[ Clara likes Lan Wangji too, though, so there's no malice in her voice. Looking at Red, she doesn't know what to say now any more than she did to Wangji, so she doesn't say anything, content to be close to her. And everyone knows the way to take a compliment is to completely change the subject and talk about someone else.]
Do you think he's like...really verbose in private? I can almost imagine it, like he has to get all of his words out and by the time we see him, he's typical Wangji.
( Red will lift an eyebrow at the subject change, but she will not force the subject back either. Clara is beautiful though in so very many ways, and she deserves the world in Red's personal opinion. )
I don't know. I can kind of picture it too like maybe he doesn't talk so fancy all the time and maybe it's full on speeches. ( She'll pour some more alcohol into both of their glasses. Her gaze lifts to Clara. ) Feelings are complicated. You can feel like you're okay, ready to move on then something just slams right into you all over again. And you're back where your started.
A little. A lot. But more than that, it made me feel like I deserve someone who won't say fond of you too when I say I love them. And then I feel scared again, and it's easier to just not, Red. Hurting sucks, and my brain says it's better to just avoid it.
[ Lingering on Red, Clara tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it before gathering her thoughts again. ]
Have you ever felt like that? Or even wanted someone you knew you couldn't have, or shouldn't?
You do. You deserve that. You're beautiful, talented, strong, fun to be around. You're so many incredible things, and you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you, who can say those words back. ( But she gets the need to run, the desire to avoid it to avoid the ultimate hurt of it all, Red does, and she swallows through that feeling in the middle of her throat. )
...the first person I ever fell in love with. Grace. Shortly after I came into the living realm, met her at actual high school for the year I went. We were friends. She was running away. I needed to run away... so we ran away together, traveled across the country in her car, met up with other people along the way. She was my friend, and we became... uh, friends with benefits, but I also fell in love with her. She was the kind of person you- She was the kind of person everybody falls in love with, a goth girl with a sunshine personality, charismatic as hell, but she didn't really- she didn't really fall in love with other people. She was... breezy when it came to people. Her heart was in her ambition.
I knew that about her. I was okay with it, or thought I was. ( And then she was gone. )
[ Red keeps saying sheβs beautiful, the words about her keep coming, and Clara just isnβt sure what to do with them; not counting Lan Wangji, itβs been a while since thereβs been anyone around to say those things. She isnβt sure if itβs the alcohol or the words that are making her feel warm instead of undeserving.
But she listens as Red talks, and feels her heart twist. Itβs so close to what sheβs gone through, and her hand rests on Redβs in solidarity and comfort. ]
You deserve someone who just wants you, you know? Someone who sees you and wants to do all those things just to say they did them with you.
[ They both deserve it, but itβs so much easier to see from the other side. ]
I do. ( Red smiles at her, and there's warmth. There's believing of that much. There's wanting Clara to believe the same as she feels the weight and connection in her hand over hers. She never ended up in a relationship like that one again - someone she felt far more for than who felt for her, someone she was in love with and thought they could do no wrong. She prefers seeing the flaws in the people she likes, and she never saw any flaw in Grace at the time, but now she sees her more clearly - a person, as fallible as the next. ) That all happened a really long time ago for me. Time does help. I don't get pulled back into that place anymore.
( She still has grief in her heart for Grace, for who she was for her when she needed that more than anything, but she went on to live a different life, to make new connections some of the time. Even if none of those really lasted either.
Nothing really does, and she's learned to be okay with that too. )
[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Clara gestures at the seaside villa, at the fact that there's a house at all with a roof, with a stocked fridge, and a wardrobe. ]
I have my own bed, and it's huge. A room with a balcony. I wanna enjoy it as much as I can before we're inevitably in a rainforest or something. I figured that meant enjoying it with someone I like. Not that my roommates aren't great, I just don't know them. We've all sort of done our own things.
no subject
Red understands on the roommate front because she doesn't really know her own very well either for the most part. They were all given individual lives here though so it makes sense they'd have to live it. She did manage to also bring along some tonic water to mix with the gin for the classic gin and tonic. She did some bartending in the real world so that's coming in handy at the moment. )
...so do you always bake this many cupcakes, or is this about the tree incident, or something else? ( Basically, are you okay? Beyond the bruises. )
no subject
[ Watching the impromptu bartending, Clara debates explaining that it's definitely more than the trees. But if she talks about it, she can't stuff it away. Which means there's only one thing to be done. ]
I need to be significantly drunker to get into the rest. I mean, I'm fine, there's nothing else physically wrong with me. But messy feelings call for way more booze than this.
[ With that, she finishes what's in her glass and holds it out for more. At least it doesn't take a lot to get her over the line. ]
no subject
Messy feelings are sometimes more painful and definitely more complicated than the physical sort.
This a place of drinking and uh, safety of expression.
( She tilts her glass in Clara's direction and then downs it herself before filling her glass again. )
But I get the need to compartmentalize too.
no subject
So, she doesn't say anything at all, because enough gin hasn't entered into the equation to be that sappy. ]
Are you good at it? Compartmentalizing, I mean. Also, we can sit in the living room, unless you really did want that ocean-full-of-dead-people view. I wouldn't wanna disappoint.
no subject
( Red snorts laughter. She will pick up a cupcake along with her own cup, and then carry the bottles over toward the living room where they can find a cozy little spot to sit down at. She'll slide on to the cushion and take a sip from the cup in her hand. )
As for compartmentalizing, I've become quite talented at it, yeah. It was real fuckin' hard when I first came into life. I wasn't used to all the emotions that come with- well, being alive.
no subject
I can't imagine what it must be like, to feel so much at once. Can I be nosy? How did you end up dealing with it?
[ She trusts Red enough to believe she'd stop her if she questioned too much, but there are some things that curious minds want to know, and she wants to know Red. ]
no subject
I was a godsdamned mess. ( Red takes another drink from her glass as she leans back it became worse when she started caring for people, when she fell in love in a way that wasn't returned and then lost her too. ) Then it was a lot of booze and occasionally drugs and casual fucking and party nights and that whole mess. A lot of running both metaphorically and realistically. I didn't remember this world so I didn't have all the growth I got here.
Eventually I figured out how to compartmentalize without all the rest, and I'm a fuckin' master at it now, but it was a messy road getting there.
no subject
You made it, which says a lot more about you than just the ability to compartmentalize. Give yourself credit for being strong as fuck, you deserve it.
[ Taking a long drink, Clara savors the tingling feeling of the gin, ready for that feeling to extend to her limbs and make all the residual pain float away. ]
This is really good gin, damn.
no subject
...well, thanks. I also threw myself into my work a lot which ultimately became my main way of dealing. Or not dealing. Along with less drinking. ( Her smile widens though at Clara's reaction. ) Only the best for the cupcake queen. But yeah, shouldn't take too long to feel it especially if you're a lightweight.
no subject
[ She used to be against deforestation, but that was before she tangoed with a tree. ]
As for actual dealing, I like to deny and ignore. Maybe I can't control anything else, but sometimes my coping is feeling in control of being able to box everything up into something smaller and put it away.
[ It won't take all that long for her to open up at this rate. ]
Is that healthy?
[ She gives Red a grin that fully indicates she knows that no, it is not healthy. ]
no subject
( Red smirks as she looks over at her, lingering, tilting her head to the side with amusement. )
Completely healthy, excellent coping skills.
( She's kidding, and she pffts. ) It doesn't really feel like anything ever slows down long enough for healthy coping anyway.
no subject
That's the frustrating truth. I feel like it never, ever stops. But then there are people here who make everything better and it's just enough.
[ She tips her glass toward Red in quiet acknowledgment. ]
This is better than how I've coped in the past, which was honestly a lot like you, except for the drugs part. I was always too afraid to do anything that wasn't smoking a joint.
no subject
( Red tips her glass toward Clara's too, letting the rim of hers tap against Calra's, winking at her, and then she... frowns. ) So basically, we have something in common there. A joint is the best of the options. You weren't missing out. ( Some of the rest could really fuck a person up, but she's not exactly only a person which is why she thinks she managed okay. ) ...did you develop different coping skills by the time you went with the Doctor or were the adventures their own coping mechanisms?
no subject
I uh...turns out traveling with him is just a form of running away from things. By the time I met him, though, I made a pretty definite decision to stop letting my heart get involved in relationships. Which hasn't worked, but I tried.
[ She scoffs at herself, finishing that glass of gin and reaching for the bottle to pour herself more. ]
Still trying, I guess. But losing another person? I don't know if there are enough coping mechanisms for that.
no subject
...helluva time to make that decision before you meet someone you'd end up falling in love with, huh?
( Clara told her about her feelings for the Doctor the last time they talked, how she revealed it to him, how he doesn't feel the same, and Red hasn't forgotten (and can even relate far more now than she could then). She reaches a hand over, resting it against her arm when she says the rest - a pained smile. She hasn't forgotten about what Clara said about the Doctor either. How she loses him, how- Fuck. Grief is a hell of its own making. ) Everyone's gotta have their limits. You're strong as hell yourself, but hearing that's not gonna make it any better - you shouldn't have to be. ( shouldn't have to suffer so much )
no subject
I've been alright, you know? I actually think maybe if someone showed up here who doesn't mind the fact that this is all very fucked up, it would be nice to have something, a connection with someone. But then this happened, and I feel like jumping into a black hole.
[ This is what she needed the alcohol for, and she both feels guilty about dragging Red into yet more of what feels like her own private drama, and relieved to know she's here. ]
no subject
That dude never pulls any fuckin' punches, huh? ( That is not said meanly at all. She likes the poetically speaking Lan Wangji. She glances from the conversation over to Clara. ) He is right though. You are a beautiful thing to be.
no subject
[ Clara likes Lan Wangji too, though, so there's no malice in her voice. Looking at Red, she doesn't know what to say now any more than she did to Wangji, so she doesn't say anything, content to be close to her. And everyone knows the way to take a compliment is to completely change the subject and talk about someone else.]
Do you think he's like...really verbose in private? I can almost imagine it, like he has to get all of his words out and by the time we see him, he's typical Wangji.
no subject
I don't know. I can kind of picture it too like maybe he doesn't talk so fancy all the time and maybe it's full on speeches. ( She'll pour some more alcohol into both of their glasses. Her gaze lifts to Clara. ) Feelings are complicated. You can feel like you're okay, ready to move on then something just slams right into you all over again. And you're back where your started.
Is... that how that conversation made you feel?
no subject
[ Lingering on Red, Clara tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it before gathering her thoughts again. ]
Have you ever felt like that? Or even wanted someone you knew you couldn't have, or shouldn't?
no subject
...the first person I ever fell in love with. Grace. Shortly after I came into the living realm, met her at actual high school for the year I went. We were friends. She was running away. I needed to run away... so we ran away together, traveled across the country in her car, met up with other people along the way. She was my friend, and we became... uh, friends with benefits, but I also fell in love with her. She was the kind of person you- She was the kind of person everybody falls in love with, a goth girl with a sunshine personality, charismatic as hell, but she didn't really- she didn't really fall in love with other people. She was... breezy when it came to people. Her heart was in her ambition.
I knew that about her. I was okay with it, or thought I was. ( And then she was gone. )
Well that hurt /wheezes
But she listens as Red talks, and feels her heart twist. Itβs so close to what sheβs gone through, and her hand rests on Redβs in solidarity and comfort. ]
You deserve someone who just wants you, you know? Someone who sees you and wants to do all those things just to say they did them with you.
[ They both deserve it, but itβs so much easier to see from the other side. ]
everything's fine ;o;
( She still has grief in her heart for Grace, for who she was for her when she needed that more than anything, but she went on to live a different life, to make new connections some of the time. Even if none of those really lasted either.
Nothing really does, and she's learned to be okay with that too. )
no subject
[ She means it, hoping that maybe someday, when they get out of here, Red has something or someone tangible to hold onto and keep close. ]
I did sort of start making out with someone. He was here for a few weeks actually, Cassian. And...now he's gone. Those were good days, though. I can't even remember if I even got the chance to tell you about him, he was here and gone so fast.
[ Clara's lost count of how much booze she's had, is this the third glass or the fourth? Either way, it's making her feel exactly the way she wanted. ]
You would've liked him, we drank bad wine back in the desert, which feels like another life ago already. It won't be that long before I'll have been here a year, which feels weird.
(no subject)
forgive me if they already talked about this!! I really should track threads
they have not!! ;o;
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
π
ππ
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)